when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
