There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
