I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
