Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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