Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
