gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
