I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
