I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I believe in your delicious
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
