I think I won the penis lottery.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
