Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
