hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
