i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
