i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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