Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How does one acquire holy water?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
