So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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