I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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