I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
