It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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