Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
