yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
