i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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