my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
