quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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