Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She swung at the pinata with crutches
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
