We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
