as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
