so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
