I cannot find my penis.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize