The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
