You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
