Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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