he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize