i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
