I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
