I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
