I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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