my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
