He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
