Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
