No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
