life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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