my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
