So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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