i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize