I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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