I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
