I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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