i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
whose parrot is this?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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