maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
