She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
