I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
