I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think my fart just growled at me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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