My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
