I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
