I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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