Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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