I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
