you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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