Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
