just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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